Little Dee

Sometime last week, Joe and I went out to dinner with a couple of our friends.  He stepped outside for a bit and when he came back, he handed me my phone and said that there were pictures added on Facebook from when I was little.  I took my phone, clicked over to Facebook, and opened up the new notification.

Oh. My. God.  Absolutely mortified.

Staring back at me was the picture of 13 year old Deanna, who had no clue about hair, fashion, or makeup.  Her hair was big and frizzy (this was pre-straighteners), lipstick bright red to match her blood red oriental dress, and her glasses covered up half of her face.  In the picture, she tried to be stoic as she brought up Communion for her 8th grade Graduation Mass but she ended up just looking plain old awkward. 

Horrifying. (And, Allison, if you are reading this, you should know that I am plotting my revenge ;) )

As I am sure it was for many people, Middle School was incredibly difficult for me.  There's so much that you just don't know at that time.  You aren't an adult, you aren't a kid... you are simply in the Middle.  I look at that picture and the memories of how difficult it all was seem to consume me. 

I think of that little girl and about how shy and awkward she was.  I never seemed to feel comfortable in my own skin and if you aren't comfortable in your skin, then it's not very easy to be comfortable around people.  I wasn't athletic, so I couldn't be part of a team and make friends that way.  And to be honest, I just had a hard time making and keeping friends.  I found solace in reading book after book after book, finding myself in imaginary worlds and feeling closer to the characters in books than I did with my peers.  I would read anything that I could get my hands on and then spend many lunch recesses in the library helping put away books.        

At night, I'd lay in bed and think about the woman that I would become.  I'd pray that God would make me beautiful and successful and that there would be a boy out there in the world that would want to hold my hand.  I would think of the story of the Ugly Duckling and how he became a beautiful swan and I'd pray with my whole heart that this could happen for me as well.

I look back and my heart smiles at that little girl.  I'll never be one to say that I am beautiful but learning how to fix your hair and put on make-up sure does go a long way!  I also think that God did take care of the situation and gave me something that I didn't even think to ask for.  He gave me the chance to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.  It has taken me so long to just find peace within myself and as I near 30, I find more and more things that I like about the woman that I have become.  I may complain about needing to lose a couple of pounds here and there but I know that the people that are in my life are going to love me for being me: silly, nerdy, passionate, and caring.  At times, I find myself veering back to being that timid girl, especially when meeting new people or in a new environment, but I was given a man who will hold my hand and stand by me until that girl feels comfortable again.       

I look back and wish I could tell her, "Hey Little Dee, stop worrying so much!!!  Life is hard... it always will be... but things have a way of working themselves out.  Stop stressing and enjoy this time of innocence as much as you can.  It's gonna be all good."

And it is.  It really is all good.