What to expect when you are NOT expecting...

Hubs and I are trying to have a baby.  The key word here would be: trying.

He and I have very different ideas on when this trying began but we are now on the same page and when people ask when we are going to have kids, I can confidently say, "Well, we are trying."

For me, trying began nearly seven months ago when I started charting everything.  At first, it was just to make sure that my body was working the way that it was supposed to.  For a woman, trying to make a baby becomes this insane science experiment, making sure that everything is jussssst right so that the outcome will be what you want.  For a man, he gets an invitation to a party and all that he has to do is make sure that he shows up and come (pun intended).  It's maddening.  This calm idea of getting pregnant was the way that I felt about it at first.  Now, I feel that with each passing month, I am fighting the urge of becoming this crazy woman who is fighting some invisible clock and intangible need to expand my family.

So, this is when this process started for me... seven months ago.  I think that it didn't start for Hubs until I started getting kind of nuts every time that I realized that my science experiment was not working.  This was a few months ago...

And now, here we are... waiting.

While we are busy trying and waiting, I have noticed many unpleasant experiences that go along with not expecting.  Here are just a few...

1.  EVERYONE is getting pregnant.  Seriously.  I guess it's the age that I am at but as I scroll through my facebook page, I see a slew of ultrasound pics, new baby photos, those damn "My baby is at blah, blah weeks and here is what is going on" posts, and yes, my friends, even peed on pregnacy tests (which is one thing that I just don't get... because you know that we are all thinking it: You peed on that.  But to each her own, I suppose). 

And it's not just on Facebook.  It seems that everyone and their sister (including mine) is getting knocked up. 

Please, please, please don't confuse this mere observation for jealousy.  That is far from what it is.  I guess the nagging feeling that is tugging at my heart is: Why not me, too???  What is wrong???  Have I done something to completely screw up one of the few things that I have wanted my whole life???        

2. One of the side effects of unsuccessfully trying to conceive is: Crazy, Psychotic Bitch (they should use this as a warning label on Ovulation Tests or something).  But, seriously, it's true.  People want to know when you are going to have kids... and some may joke that you need to get on it!  Or keep trying!  And then Crazy, Psychotic Bitch pops up her little head with her hair all over the place and eyes blazing and starts screaming: Don't you think that we are trying??? Don't you think that my one wish in life is to give my husband the child that he wants???  You realize that this is not a good side of you and tell Crazy, Psychotic Bitch to shut the hell up... but then, someone makes a comment about how cute you look holding a baby.  An absolute natural!  And there she is again, this time stomping her foot and saying: I know that I do!!!  Being a mommy is my calling in life!  She pitches a fit for a good hour and after becoming absolutely exhausted, she curls up in a corner until someone else summons her with their "kind" words.     

3. When trying to conceive, personal, peaceful bathroom time takes on a whole new meaning.  Now, you are one of those lucky ladies that get to pee on a stick!  Hooray!  Lucky you!  First of all, there are the lovely Ovulation Tests in which you have to schedule your bathroom time to make sure that you can go at the same time, every day.  And please note that these tests are not quick.  You will need at least five minutes to determine if you are ovulating (yay!) or not (boo!).  And then after the Ovulation Tests, you get to pee on a whole bunch of Pregnancy Tests because you just KNOW that this is the month that it will happen.

4. I am not one to say that this whole process is dependent entirely on me and the Hubs.  I firmly believe that to have a baby is a blessing from God and some divine intervention is needed.  I was raised a Catholic but through my own religious journey have found myself on the road in between Christianity and Buddhism, taking everything that I love about the two religions and combining them to find a very comfortable place for myself.  So, with this process, I find myself calling on all Spiritual Forces.  Looking up to the Heavens, I pray and plead to God to send us a little miracle.  Looking inside myself, I focus all of my positive energy on my uterus, imagining it glowing and being a peaceful place for a precious gift.  And then, I can't help but feel slightly hurt at the end of the month when my prayers and meditation have failed me. 

It is not uncommon when trying to conceive to hear, Just have faith!  Or God will allow it to happen when He is ready for it to happen!  (This usually comes from the very fortuante women who already have kids.)  And it's true... it's all true.  The question now is,  "When???"

5.  And one of the last things that I have noted about not expecting: A growing, nagging sense of self doubt.  What if something is wrong?  All that I have wanted is to get pregnant naturally and if this isn't possible to move on from it and adopt.  My husband and I have so much love for each other and so much love to give to a child.  Isn't that enough?  I didn't want medical intervention.  No doctors, drugs, hormones, and lots o' money all pitched in to try to conceive.  But now, here we are, unsure of what is going on (and quite honestly, it could be nothing!) and I am biting the bullet and making that Dr.'s appointment today.  And it is scary. 

Faith seems to be the key word... I just pray that we have enough for whatever road lies ahead of us.