I wasn't nervous for the appointment until the day before when I started to have all of these insane questions that popped into my head. What if I had been doing everything wrong? Wrong food? Wrong prenatals? Not enough water? Too much water? And even crazier questions like, What if I had accidentally lost the baby without knowing it and they'd do an ultrasound and there would be no baby in there? Yup, pregnancy makes you nuts.
Luckily, the doctor's appointment could not have gone better. When we got there, I was slightly anxious when I found out that our doctor was a man. Call me crazy, I just feel more comfortable with a woman while she's dealing with all of my lady parts. I have always had a female doctor and would never have personally chosen to have a male doctor. But, when we met Dr. W., I was immediately put at ease. He was funny, polite, very professional, and informative. Compared to my last doctor in Killeen, I felt like we had won the doctor jackpot.
I'm sure that any couple who has had a child can relate, the absolute best part of these doctor's appointments is to actually see your baby. For our first ultrasound, Baby Bean was only a few weeks along and was simply just a heartbeat. Seeing that heartbeat pulsating on the screen was the absolute most amazing thing that I had ever seen in my life... until yesterday. When Dr. W. started the ultrasound, I waited a moment while he made some adjustments and then there it was... an actual baby!!! We could see our baby's sweet little head and tummy and feet with little toes. As he pressed on my belly, we could see the baby kick-kick-kicking and I couldn't help but laugh and cry because that was OUR baby... the one that I had prayed for my whole life. The one that finally came because two people loved each other so much that God thought it was time to grow something from that love. Absolutely amazing. I feel blessed to have known much joy in my life but I don't think that I have ever felt anything like I felt yesterday.
After yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that ultrasounds were invented to give pregnant women (and their spouses) the courage to forge ahead with their pregnancies. As I look back over the past twelve weeks, I'm not gonna lie, it has not been easy. Maybe some women are just better at being pregnant than I am but I sure do wish more women would talk about what an adjustment pregnancy is.
When we first found out, I was talking to my cousin who is also pregnant but with her second child. The subject of morning sickness came up and her belief was that morning sickness was something that Hollywood has just made up to make pregnant movies funnier. Pa! Paha! Pahahahahahaha! Oh my. I wish. For all of those lucky ladies who have not dealt with morning sickness, you better be thanking baby Jesus every single day. This pregnancy has brought me back to my early college years when I often prayed to the porcelain gods because I thought that Smirnoff, blue margaritas, and Goldschlager were a good combination (The thought alone makes me shudder). Over the past few months, I have had the pleasure of running to find the bathroom to throw up in restaurants, gas stations, parks, Wal-Greens, and Vegas, along with making Joe pull over several times (NEVER getting sick, I might add, in the comfort of my own home). Absolutely mortifying.
You would think that the vomiting, nausea, and exhaustion would be enough but throw in some extra hormones and you are a completely different woman. This lovely side effect doesn't just affect you, my friends, but also your relationship. And my questions is: Why don't more women talk about how crazy pregnancy makes you?!?!? If you are a woman and have had a child and you say that you were completely normal your whole pregnancy... then (in my humble opinion) you are LYING... or you are at least in denial. And I get it, no woman wants to talk about being overly emotional or the fact that their relationships are rocky because...well, it makes you look bad. But, man, there's no getting around it, for us it's been an adjustment.
Towards the end of 28, I felt like I was finally settled. I liked the woman that I was becoming, I felt calmer than I ever had before in my life, and I thought, "What a perfect time to be pregnant. I'm older, settled, and will really be able to enjoy this new phase in my life." I had a wonderful relationship and life was good. Joe and I hardly ever fought and were living happily in our love bubble. There was nothing to fight about. When we did fight, we'd fix it within a few hours and then move on.
With all of my extra hormones, the fact that he has quit smoking and is probably a bit more irritable, both of us adjusting to being pregnant, topped with spending the past two months in a teeny-tiny trailer and hotels and are now in a completely new and foreign place where we know no one but each other... Well, it hasn't all been smooth sailing. The man has made me see red from time to time and I'm pretty sure that he has thought, "Crazy Bitch," every now and then. But after every "moment" (doesn't that sound so much better than, say, shit storm???), we have managed to look at each other, look at our situation, hug it out, and make a promise to both try a little harder, be a little more patient, and to not forget that there is a whole lot of love there.
I wish I could be one of these women who was glowing every day because of her pregnancy, traipsing around in fashionable maternity wear with my heels and decaf latte, and making sure that my husband knew every day that we were the luckiest couple in the world. I'm just not. I like comfy clothes and flip flops more now than ever. I indulge in one cup of regular coffee a day (because the books say that it's okay). And I miss my evening glass... who am I kidding... glasses of wine more than anything. It's taken me a while to get used to this new lifestyle and I know that it'll get easier. And even though there have been moments when I'm losing my lunch and thinking, "THIS is what I wanted for so long???" I know that in the end, it'll all be worth it.
I know this because when I looked at that monitor yesterday and saw my baby's little feet kicking and saw the tummy that I imagined kissing and I looked at my husband, the man who is my best friend and completes my world, all of the bad stuff washed away. And all I felt was love.
My sweet baby who makes it all worth it! Can't wait to kiss those little feet!!!
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